Quick Reference
Everything in one place. Click any link to jump to the full explanation.
Frameworks
| Framework | What It Does | Where |
|---|---|---|
| Severity Scale | Rates harm as High / Medium / Low — independent of how it feels | Foundation |
| Types of Mistakes | Classifies intent: Malicious, Accident, or Fawning | Foundation |
| RBDSMT | The safer sex conversation — Relationships, Boundaries, Desires, Sexual Health, Meaning & Mistakes, Trauma | Before Play |
| The Friction Check | Screens for how someone handles ambiguity, conflict, and meaning-making under stress. Three dimensions: Story Style, Repair Style, Communication Clarity | Before Play |
| The Trust Baseline | Bidirectional trust threshold — if either person can’t trust that a mistake will be treated as a mistake (not malice), play is premature | Before Play |
| Drama Triangle | Victim / Persecutor / Rescuer — the three roles people cycle through | Core Reframe |
| The Promise | The facilitator’s public commitment that determines how incidents are handled | For Facilitators |
| Appropriate Response | Match response severity to harm severity — not to fear | How to Respond |
Tools
| Tool | What It Does | Where |
|---|---|---|
| Notice, Feel, Story | Separate what happened from what you felt from the story you built | Foundation |
| Gun Test | Self-check: Am I fit to play right now? | Before Play |
| 100% Control | Both people had 100% control over the outcome — empowers without blaming | Core Reframe |
| How to Check | Three questions before you act on a feeling: (1) Would I react this intensely if it weren’t my partner? (2) Did they ask for this? (3) What am I actually afraid of? | Trauma & Filters |
Key Distinctions
| Distinction | The Point |
|---|---|
| Severity vs. Feeling | How bad something feels and how bad it is are independent. High fear doesn’t mean high severity. |
| Righteous Predator vs. Selfish Predator | Most “predators” are righteous — causing harm while genuinely believing they’re helping. The selfish predator who knowingly exploits is far rarer. We have a word for the second. We didn’t have one for the first. |
| Narrative Lock | When someone stops processing new information and filters everything to confirm their existing story. Repair becomes structurally impossible. |
| Fawning | When “yes” means “no” — a trauma response that creates two victims. The fawner is harmed by their own compliance, and the other person is set up to look like an aggressor. |
| Pre-framing | The first frame presented tends to stick. Facilitators can pre-frame groups toward trust and repair instead of fear and accusation. |
| Love vs. Jealousy | Love is wanting someone’s happiness. Jealousy is wanting to control who gives it to them. If your actions make the person you love less happy and more afraid, what’s driving you isn’t love. |
| Own Your Part — Not Theirs | Take full responsibility for what you did. Refuse to carry what isn’t yours. Accepting false responsibility keeps them stuck in the story that’s causing their pain. |
| Serving vs. Pleasing | Serving means doing what’s right for them, even if it makes them mad. Pleasing means doing what keeps them comfortable, even if it harms them. |
When Something Goes Wrong
1. PAUSE — Don't act from the first feeling
2. SEVERITY — How serious is the actual harm? (High / Medium / Low)
3. TYPE — Was it malicious, accidental, or fawning?
4. CHECK YOURSELF — Am I qualified to judge? Is my reaction proportional?
5. RESPOND — Match your response to the severity, not the fear
6. REPAIR — Focus on making it right, not punishment
For Facilitators: Quick Checklist
- Do you have a Promise — and have you stated it publicly?
- Have you pre-framed the group toward trust, repair, and the expectation that mistakes happen?
- Do your staff understand fawning — both in participants and in themselves?
- If a mistake happens, will you walk your talk — or fawn to the loudest voice?
- Can you distinguish between defense and aggression?
- If threats of violence occur, do you know how to handle them?
- Do you have a First Officer who will challenge you privately?
The Core Principle
What is the severity? What is the type? Am I qualified to judge? Is my response proportional?
If you can ask these four questions before you act, you will prevent more harm than any safety protocol ever written.